Likening
by faytofalegion
Summary: Inuyasha reflects on how his hate for Kagome turned into something else entirely. Oneshot.


At the beginning, I think I hated you. I don't really know why either. But when I saw you for the first time, your eyes brimming with a mix of kindness and determination, I just wanted you to bleed. I told you so, that you should rightfully die. But you looked at me with the strangest eyes. Such kind, innocent eyes! And I knew, I just _knew_ that you would bring me to my knees. This woman, no this _girl_, I would not get close to her. She saved me, yes. She was useful, yes. She controls me … yes. I hated you. Everything about you that made me something feel something that I told myself I could not feel. 

You made me feel such strange emotions. Emotions that had taken such pain and agony to destroy. And yet … without even trying, you made me feel warmth where there was only numbness before. My entire body was completely numb back then. I can't imagine feeling that way again. But even though you, a mere human made me feel warmth, I still continued to dislike you. At the moment that I could no longer hate you any longer was the point of no return. My dislike turned to slight annoyance. My slight annoyance turned into toleration. That toleration turned into a bit of fondness. That fondness turned into liking. Oh yes, this was when you brought me to my knees.

I could no longer ignore you, I could no longer hurl insults at you without feeling horrible afterward, and I could no longer let you out of my sight without worry. I wanted to protect you from anything that could take away your innocence. Your acceptance of a half blood still seemed to be a result of innocence to me. I would later find out how wrong I was. At this time, I protected you as I would a child. A child indeed! Soon I began to feel longing for this mere 15-year-old girl … and I began to resent my obligation to another. It was pure longing for something more, but I was clueless as to what that "more" was. Little by little, my heart welcomed you and it opened to you and you alone. Others may have my confidences or my trust, but my heart only welcomed you.

I don't know how you could stand me. I was horrible and selfish and I never seemed to look out for your feelings. Shippo told you so several times. I didn't know how to act towards you because I wasn't used to being with humans even if I had lived among them for years. But it was because of those humans that I began to act the way I did. If I act strong, confident, one to be feared, then no one would mess with me. I thought I had everything right, but you showed me that I had absolutely nothing. Because your heart was so open, because you wore your heart proudly on your sleeves, because of your never ending kindness and warmth, my true self began to appear. And somehow you showed me that love and trust were not something that only the weak have. You showed me that because I have something to protect, because I have people I trust, I could become so much stronger. Before, I fought to only protect my own shattered heart. And in reality, maybe I hoped I would lose. I had nothing to gain. But now I have everything to lose. And because of that, I fight with everything I have. By understanding how to love again, I gained everything I wanted in the first place and everything I swore that I'd avoid. Ironic isn't it Kagome?

When did I really realize that I loved you? Maybe I loved you a long time ago but had never allowed myself to admit it. My longing for you somehow turned into something entirely different than what it had been before. I would never have told you that I longed for your affection, that I hated it when anybody else showed any interest in you, and that I loved saving you even though I hate it when you're in danger. Somehow everything changed again. I longed for you, I desired you, but there was something more there. I really, truly wanted you to be happy. I guess I grew up a little, instead of it all being about me; I wanted it to be about you. I wanted to know, I _had_ to know if what I was doing was right. But how could this be right?

I distanced myself from you again. It was almost like a revelation to me that should have seemed obvious from the start. I love you and therefore, I can't let you love me. But it was too late, far too late for that kind of thing. What was coming could not be stopped by simply avoiding you or straying away from your touch.

You were angry. More angry than I've ever seen you before. It was the night after a big fight with a powerful youkai. I'd been extremely hurt, nearly dying to save you. You always had guts and brains in a fight and you're usually the reason we win a big fight like that. This was no exception, I was using everything I could think of to win, but it was no use. You did what had to be done and at the same time putting yourself in harms way. All I knew was that it didn't matter that I had lost a lot of blood, it didn't matter that my body was refusing to move. I willed my body to move, to protect you from the painful death that awaited you. All I remembered was pain and the tears in your eyes and the look of horror on your face. I tasted blood in my throat and then there was darkness.

I awoke to Kaede's familiar scent and you holding my hand. I pushed you away, told you to get out, that I didn't want to see your face. Everyone has a breaking point and this was yours. You screamed at me with a ferocity that would make anyone draw back in fear. But I still refused to listen. I believed that loving you from a distance was enough. It wasn't until you had quieted down that I realized how much I hurt you. You had been crying from the beginning, however this was different. Everything about you fell apart. There was sorrow in your eyes and a quiet force about you. And it was so very wrong. The person I knew was no longer present in that hut, just someone I didn't recognize. Someone I had trapped in a corner … someone I had hurt like I had never hurt anyone before.

"Are we ready to stop playing this game?" Your voice was barely above a whisper. "Love me or hate me." You looked up at me with desperate eyes. "I'll never bother you again if you would go back to being yourself again. I'll seal the well, I won't bother you! Just stop this! Feeling this way … makes me want to die."

I looked into your eyes as you said this. And I believed it, that it was now or never. That if I didn't change, if I didn't let myself love you, that you would truly die. But as I thought this, you continued to speak. You looked an awful mess. Your hair was messy and I've never seen such a tear streaked face in my entire life. It was like feeling my heart die as I looked into your eyes.

"I loved you for so long! And I thought that it was okay that you didn't return my feelings because you were so kind to me. But that kindness changed and you became so cold! And I don't want to see you cold … never cold and still like you once were. So this is my final decision."

You stood up and turned away from me so that I could see only your back.

"You know where the last shard is, I've fulfilled my duty. If I don't belong with you then I have no place here. I know this much. I'm the cause of this … so I have end it."

My pain didn't matter. God I was selfish! What the hell was wrong with me! I didn't consider your feelings at all! I was looking out for you? That's a bunch of crap; I was still only looking out for myself.

I leaped out of the bed, and as you turned around in surprise, we crashed to the ground. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I looked into your eyes, my hands on your tear-streaked face and in your hair.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me alone. Don't go away. I thought if I kept you at a distance that this feeling would go away, that you would be safe away from me. I couldn't allow you to love me."

You stared at me in disbelief. And you broke into a big, bright smile. The kind that makes one feel lighter than air and makes a guy's heart skip a few beats. I embraced you with a smile on my face and my heart finally at peace.

And now, as I hold you close to my body, I wonder if that curse was a blessing in disguise. Acool breeze comes through the window and your body shivers in response. I pull you closer but you wake up as I do so.

"Inuyasha?"

"Mmm?"

You smile and pull yourself a bit away from me so I can see you fully.

"You know I loved you even at the beginning, right?"

"You mean when I was trying to kill you?"

"Yep, even then. I never thought that you would ever try to hurt me. And don't feel guilty either! It's in the past after all, but still … I think that was the first moment I knew I wanted to stay with you."

I am truly amazed at this statement. And I sit up to face you in the bed.

"With someone who tried to kill you?"

"No … with the boy who was cursed to sleep forever. Even when you were sleeping, I still wanted to save you."

With that statement I smile. I pull your face close to mine and lightly kiss you. My likening to you still seems to be changing even now. But that's okay, our love always seems to be changing, but even thought it's evolving, it's now something I know will last until the end of time. I pull you back under the covers and as I feel your heartbeat again my chest, I am unafraid of what lies ahead.


End file.
